


retropenitence

by nonwal



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Experimental Style, Gen, POV Second Person, episode 97 spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonwal/pseuds/nonwal
Summary: you help them and use them in the same breath. you want—need—this war to end. if you do things carefully, they never have to know, right?(In which Essek Thelyss runs damage control and stumbles into the unfamiliar position of caring about people.)
Relationships: The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76





	retropenitence

**Author's Note:**

> This straddles the line between meta and proper fanfic and pushes the boundaries of grammar a lot more than what I've written before, so originally I just threw it up on [Tumblr.](https://nonwal.tumblr.com/post/611231986231689216/so-like-youre-the-elf-equivalent-of-a-19-year) The response there was overwhelmingly positive, so I decided to correct a couple errors and put it with the rest of my work after all.

so like. you’re the elf equivalent of a 19 year old who’s working on his second PhD while also in a powerful political position. everyone is super impressed with you but also, you’re a fucking baby to them. They’re all hundreds if not thousands of years old with multiple lifetimes under their belt, and all they see is someone on his first life who has spent far too much of his first hundred years buried in books.

it’s not that they don’t think you’ve earned your place. but you are quite literally peerless. you substitute your own growing ambition and thirst for knowledge for friends. you’ve accomplished more in one century than most of these pretentious fuckers have in a millennia. you don’t need them. you need them to _let you do your work._

but they’re too obsessed with ~religion~ to let you do anything interesting. so. you make a deal with mages from the empire. you’re basically committing an act of both treason _and_ heresy, but like. hey. if they’re going to stick to their stupid rules and grudges at the expense of progress and knowledge, someone’s gonna have to do it.

obviously everyone is super upset over this, but you figure that they’ll figure out how to fucking deal with it. things are tense but more or less okay for a few decades-ish. no one suspects you, and you begin to think that you got away with it. then shit falls apart, and you realize you don’t have control over the situation anymore. your country goes to war, which turns out to be _incredibly inconvenient,_ because your job during wartime is 1000% suckier and you barely have time to study things you’re actually interested in.

then some foreigners show up with the beacon you traded away, claiming they want to end the war.

you try not to panic. you keep an eye on them, try to figure out what these shifty weirdos know, what pieces of information they continue to uncover. one of them is a wizard with direct ties to your collaborators, and you’re not sure if this a test or some bizarre coincidence.

but shifty as they are, they do seem to be telling the truth, or at least an abbreviated version of it. they’re bizarre and unpredictable and have no sense of decorum, but they’re endearing and they’re trying _so hard._

and. they seem to like you? treat you as a confidant of sorts, send you ridiculous messages at inopportune moments, ask you to teleport them around to find an ancient dragon (how are these idiots still alive) or chase after their lost friend (whoops we actually meant a different spot) or or or

you try to be annoyed. you try to view it as a transactional relationship. you tell yourself this is a preventative measure to keep them from uncovering your secret. but they’re trying so hard, and you _want them to succeed._ and that feels. 

bad. 

because _you have always been the enemy_ they’re hunting, long before you wanted to be their friend. you started this fucking war they’re trying to end—indirectly, yes, but callously, knowing it was a possibility and not caring.

and now you care about someone besides yourself. it is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to you. it used to be that discovery would mean your death. now it means that you will die knowing that the mighty nein hate you. betraying your country meant almost nothing, but this—

_Essek. We don’t know anything about you, we just realized—_ do they suspect?— _we should really hang out more. Are you single? Do you have kids? Swipe right? Also, mom’s name?_

…you don’t deserve this. you’re going to go over for dinner anyway, aren’t you? 

(they ask you what the worst thing you’ve ever done is and for one insane moment you want to tell the truth.)

you help them and use them in the same breath. you want—need—this war to end. if you do things carefully, they never have to know, right? you’ve lost your resolve, your unwavering confidence in your own arrogant importance, but it’s worth the trade. you can simmer in your own private guilt for years, lifetimes, as long as you don’t have to see a look of betrayal on their faces.

you’ve never regretted anything this much. you’re starting to hate yourself.

then. of course. they’re on the fucking ship. you feel as if you are being watched, but maybe that is just your newfound conscience hounding you. you go to the damned party. you avoid them. it is in Jester’s nature to be _completely unavoidable_. she makes idle chitchat while you stew in your own anxiety and guilt. you’re terrified. you’re tired. you take a sip of your drink.

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever stay awake at night thinking about how Essek's confession could've been a nuanced villain monologue in another timeline, almost word for word? Because I do. Anyhow [come scream at the sky with me on Tumblr.](https://nonwal.tumblr.com/)


End file.
